Separated, now what?
When people hear that I am a professional specialising in divorce and separation, they often ask if I wouldn’t mind speaking to their relative or friend. I hear the same thing time and again – the person has recently separated, feels so lost and is unsure of what, if anything, he/she should be doing.
Separating from your partner can be a very scary and stressful time. Even if you are the party that initiated the separation, you will now be having to deal with issues you have never had to worry about before. There are a lot of raw emotions, there may be anger, shock, disbelief, fear and possibly even some sense of relief. To top it off, the person that you would usually turn to for advice or support during difficult times is the last person you can turn to and is in fact the very reason you are in this current situation.
Look after yourself first
The most important thing at this time is to do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself and your children. It’s very important to make sure you have a support system around you, whether that is a friend, family member or a coach/counsellor you can turn to. You need to allow yourself to go through the emotions and the grief. However, at the same time, you do need to be there for your children to help them through what is also a very difficult time for them. You cannot possibly do that if you don’t have someone to support you.
Ensure your children have meaningful time with each parent
There is no urgency to work out your parenting and financial arrangements. You may not have the headspace to make any long term decisions and it is important to remember that any decisions you make regarding your children and parenting arrangements do not need to be cast in stone. You may be unsure of where you or your ex-partner are going to be living and, whatever age your children are, their needs change all the time. What may be appropriate now for all of you, may not be appropriate or workable in the future. whatever age your children may be and whatever stage of separation you are in, it is in your children’s best interest for them to have a meaningful relationship with both parents provided there are no safety concerns. This is in fact stipulated in the Family Law Act. This means making sure your children get to spend regular, meaningful time with both parents. This does not mean that there need to be equal overnight stays with both parents, it means carving out pockets of time for the children to spend with both of you.
Work out interim arrangements
What is appropriate in your case depends on many factors, including the age of your children, the communication between you and your ex-partner and the level of conflict between you. You can work out interim arrangements and then agree on a date, for example, 3 months down the line, to review how these arrangements are working for everyone, and whether these arrangements are still appropriate. There are several online resources that can help you understand what children of different ages may need when determining parenting arrangements. If you and your ex-partner have difficulty discussing these things or have differing views on what is appropriate, a mediator can help you come up with some interim arrangements, or longer-term parenting agreements, if appropriate. In the early stages of separation, a mediator can also help you work out some interim plans for your finances, such as how you will continue to pay the mortgage (if relevant) or how the expenses for your children will be dealt with. While there is no urgency to work out a property settlement, there are some time limits you need to be aware of and therefore it is important to seek legal advice.
Get some initial legal advice
Many people who find themselves going through a separation are unsure whether they need to seek advice from a Family Lawyer. They are worried that to do so may inflame the situation and they don’t want to find themselves in a litigated battle with their ex-partner. As a mediator, I always recommend to clients to seek legal advice. There are many ways of working out appropriate parenting and financial arrangements with your ex-partner. However, it is important that you know your legal entitlements so you can make an informed decision when discussing these matters with your ex-partner. You can have a confidential discussion with a lawyer, and you can instruct the lawyer not to contact your ex-partner at this stage. By speaking to a mediator or divorce coach before you see the lawyer, they can also help you understand the types of questions you should be asking your lawyer so that you are able to make informed decisions moving forward.
However, the most important piece of advice that I can give you, is to do whatever you can to reduce conflict between you and your ex-partner. At the end of the day, this is what your children need from you and what will help you all in the long run.
Hi, I’m Kerry!
I help separated parents deal with all the challenges divorce brings.